John R. Mabry | Apocrypha Volume Seven:

Figures in
a Dream

BONUS TRACKS

All songs copywrite 1989 by John R. Mabry except "S'bai S'bai" by Brent Sanders, John R. Mabry, and Eric Hann. Calligraphy by C.S. Mabry.

With These Eyes | play MP3

These ears are gonna hear a shouting
This mind knows what that means
And this voice, you know it ca't keep still, gotta sing
This heart has grown weak with waiting
Look, it's leaping when I hear the cry

I'm going to see a new heaven, with these eyes.

These days have grown dark with doubting
I neverr pretended that it wasn't so
And what I feel is wreetling with what I know
In this life I've had a glimpse of Glory
That I hold highly prized

I'm going to see a new heaven, with these eyes.

I've hid when You've laid uncovered
Walked toward You backwar with a coat of tears
You chase, You pounce, You consume and then You fly, mad career
These hands are to dust returning
Breath, "Surrender," sighs
All this suffering must be worth suffering
Or life turns into lies
All my life into ash is burning
As the world bursts open wide

I'm going to see a new heaven, with these eyes.

Cathedral choir arranged by Eric Hann; guitar solo by Slavius Maximus.

S'Bai S'Bai | play MP3

Bras and skirts adorn the line
Beads of sweat limp down my spine
Humid sea air pours like wine
So they call it "The Land of the Free"

Palm trees pepper rice paddies
Appetizers for these eyes
The street market sadly sighs
and sings songs of the Land of the Free

Horns blast the off-beat traffic
A careless cur stoops to lick
It's festered wounds and gets kicked
By the beggar who's laughing at me

Leering he passes to my right
And mutters long at the night
Darkness splintered by moonlight
Screams silent at the Land of the Free

Theological Debate | play MP3

I went with some people, it was kind of a party
didn't seem to be going so well
Somebody spilled their drink all over this lady
And the record player's shot to hell
Nobody wanted to hurt the host's feelings
But it was undeniably subdued
I thought that that was a shame and I racked my brain
'Cause I was in a party mood
Everybody seemed bored to the point of tears
Lookingat their watches, wishing it was late
Then suddenly I had this inspiration
That just might save the day

Let's have a theological debate...

I was stuck in a room with this guy from Arizona
didn't know him from Adam (maybe from Jane)
We were waiting for the doctor for over an hour
so I offered my hand and my name
So Jerry was a salesman and an amateur bowler
And right then I despaired
Only something in common can carry conversation
and I was caught unprepared
But then I noticed this little gold fish on his lapel
and I was instantly relieved
For here was a topic to ride over the hours
and so I took the lead

into a theological debate...

The United Church of Numbers | play MP3

A little doubt is worth an ounce of prevention
And I beg your pardon for my pretention
But every word of this story is true
Let's only pray it never happens to you

Perhaps you've heard of the United Church of Numbers
The grace of a monster god is the wight that we're under
They'll teach with tantrums, they preach with poison
They scrub the writing off the wall
It's no surprise that the Church of Numbers
hardly counts at all, hardly counts at all

All you need are some tracts and some competition
To wage a single-handed war against the Sons of Perdition
"Let's see how many we can get today.
I saved twenty just yesterday."
No matter what we'll have the highest baptisms in the state
We don't drink or dance or cuss or chew or masturbate
Ain't we great?
If there's a Ghost anywhere in this place
He must be hiding in deep disgrace.

Welcome to the United Church of Numbers
The demands of a clear-cut code is the crap that we're under
We'll preach hellfire 'til the guilt sets in
Let loose the youth group on a shopping mall
It's no surprise that the Church of Numbers
hardly counts at all, hardly counts at all.

Now, I'm not saying they're damned, but do they love their neighbor?
And if we met them with the kiss of peace, would they return the favor?
If perfect love really casts out fear
arrogant piety has no place here

Welcome to the United Church of Numbers
I don't doubt their sincerity, but it makes me wonder
Your motivation is under question
is it fame or is it the Fall?
It's no wonder the Church of Numbers
hardly counts at all, hardly counts at all.

Keyboards and piano solo by Eric Hann. Backing vocals by Eric, Jon Lothenore, and JRM.

Islands in the Stream | play MP3

Wild times at dances, and nervous between the songs
High school romances don't seem to last that long
That old familiar dryness each time I try to speak
But most of them don't listen to me, I guess I'm
Just not in their league

And all around us, the islands drift apart
Painful memories, and an aching broken heart
A cry in the silence, and a voice on the telephone
I know that voice could be my own

A possibility makes tears that make a stain.
Outside, the sun is shining but, inside here is rain
I'd love to open up myself and let you see some more
But I'm afraid that I'd be hurt like I've been hurt time and time before.

And all around us, the islands drift apart
Painful memories, and an aching broken heart
A cry in the silence, and a voice on the telephone
I know that voice could be my own

Word games, you know they're playing on my feeling and my mind
Ain't it strange, all I've tried to be is kind.

We move through this lifetime like Islands in the stream
We love like the shadows of figures in a dream
We alone can decide if time will heal our scars
To say goodbye, to grasp each others' hands, or whether we'll go far

And all around us, the islands drift apart
Painful memories, and an aching broken heart
A cry in the silence, and a voice on the telephone
I know that voice could be my own

Dusk | play MP3

They're turning on their headlights
Fog is starting to descend
Time moves like a river
Rushing to its end
Swept up in the rapids
of a necessary whim
They're turning on their headlights
And dark is closing in

And I have been watching
And I have been coping
And I have been crying
And I have been hoping
That you would come back soon
Before this planet looks like a moon

You can hear the gunfire
And you can smell the sickness
We battle it with welfare, and physical fitness
Factories tower, faceless
And churches are impotent
But the hungry cries of one child
To you are most important

And I have been watching
And I have been coping
And I have been crying
And I have been hoping
That you would come back soon
Before this planet looks like a moon

Will to Live | play MP3

I don't pretend
This heart upon my sleeve is wide open
to foe or friend
No matter how clouded that distinction becomes
Once there was a time
Over millions of ashen nights
I thought my best days had passed me by
Couldn't put a finger on just when
but it was sometime past yesterday

Didn't think I'd ever laugh that way again
I was dubious

Wish I had known
That not too far ahead and away were years
I could not have dreamed
Too far beyond my grasp of love in the world
But had I dared to dream
Perhaps I could have held out and by some grace
Obtained the means to face the fear the fire
and the doubts that held my feet fast into the flames

But it sure gets better, sure as hell gets better
Hold on, if only by the will to live
It gets better, sure as hell gets better
Hold on, hold on, hold on

I'm not surprised
If you take awhile to realize who I am
Since such a metamorphosis is hard
For even me to understand
I no longer grieve
To be who I was in hellish times
Some frightened child in the face of
such ecstacy and such morbid crime

Didn't think I'd ever laught like that again,
But you know sometimes I surprise myself
And it's so much better now than it ever was then
Just let me embrace you no matter what the harm
I'll be greeting the future with an open mind
And open arms

Some Kind of Mystery (The Universality of the Numinous Experience) | play MP3

Saw it in a book. Read it in the sky
Recognized it instantly
Desperately desired, You know how I wanted
Straining tearful attempts at definition
In the wild morning, you hung granite gore
Whisper wind that none can tame

Some kind of Mystery compels me
And it tells me my true name
Some kind of Mystery absolves me
And it calls me toward the flame

(See the light-borne dervish?)

Fire dance beginning
Taper drips through cold mellennia
Slice through time to light native tinder
and blow life into aged embers
With one grasp we reach
Attempt surpassing all ability
Heart breaks at limit of sight
There must be substance in the void
I mean, we all can feel it
And in my soul's dark night I know what it is
that I long for

That shaman standing hoop in hand
That annual breach of temple veil
That impossible eternal pantheon
Those impossible monoliths in green islands
That glimmer that the koan brings
That saturate, comfortable Tao

That experience of whiplash
Tendril of sight in pregnant peripheral vision

Some kind of Mystery compels me
And it tells me my true name
Some kind of Mystery absolves me
And it calls me toward the flame

FOOTNOTES

One of the highlights of this past year has been produceing an album for and becoming friends with Eric Hann. I had an absolute blast working with im on his "Potluck Suicide" album, and I am proud as peas to have had a hand in it. So, with Eric being the keyboard wizard that he is, I didn't hesitate to ask him to help me with my next album, which you have before you even now. It wasn't as aggravating as I thought, relinquishinig control and so forth. In fact, it was as natural as could be, and I am endlessly grateful to Eric for his (seemingly) effortless collaborations and embellishments. This album is os much richer because of him! I also had the new experience of writing from someone else's lyrics, something I've NEVER done before. The poem, "S'bai, S'bai" is by Brent Sanders, ispired by the time that he spent in Thailand in the summer of '87. According to Brent, "Thailand" means, literally, "Land of the Free Ones," and "S'bai S'bai" means "okay" or "fine" as in the answer to the casual greeting, "How are you?" "Oh, s'bai, s'bai" ("fine, fine"). I am thankful that Brent was pleased with the music when he finally heard it (oh, trusting soul!).

About the other songs, then:

"Theological Debate is a favorite sport on campus, one which I at one time (I am ashamed to say) very much enjoyed. But I have learned much in the last year or so about tolerance and compassion, and the song is something of a parody. Kind of.

"Islands in the Steam" is an OLD song, written in '82 or '83, BEFORE Kenny and Dolly's song o fhte same name was released (oooo, I was so mad!). I took it out and dusted it off and gave it to Eric and said, "Go, babe." I don't feel it ever got justice in its performance until now. Meta-thanks to Bob Allen for his inpired sax work, too.

"The United Church of Numbers" has been kicking around in my head for years, and the frustration of living in the very midst of a fundamentalist community brought is all to the surface. I want very much to sing it in chapel (as I did "Philistines" last year!), but I don't know yet. They may not LET me sing another song.

Finally, "Will to Live" is the most startlingly honest song I think I've every written. And the most sickeningly positive. When B.J. West heard the rough mix the grin on his face was worth every bit of work that has gone into this album. And that's the next Apocrypha chronicle.

What follows is the "B-side", unreleased tracks that I think should be heard,. but weren't appropriate for any particular album project. The words are also included, so enjoy! They're trippin'.

Many thanks to: Eric, Bob Allen, Slavius Maximus (oh, come, Tony!), Brent, the McMahon's (for their synth for another year), B.J. and Dinah (for their encouragement), Shawn Lynn for being the very cool computer-tutor, and especially Cherrisa (for her patience).

"...but, O Love, why can't you leave me along?--which is a rhetorical question meaning: for heaven's sake, don't...I am all dried up with desire and I can ony think of one thing--staying in the fire that burns me." --Thomas Merton, The Sign of Jonas

ABOUT THE BONUS TRACKS

"Harry Takes the Plunge" is an attempt to cross late fifties beat poetry with Frank Sinatra. B.J. West was in the room with me when I was working on this and said, "I think I know what you're trying to do, and I don't think you can do it. But try." I think I did it. You be the judge.

"Exposing the Chambers" is an experiment to see if I could do something in 5/4 time. It works, but it came out more like the sountrack to an exorcism than anything else. The lyrics of "I Can See It" are among my favorites. "Almost to a Man," is athe result of reading an interview with Edge (of U2) on his guitar technique and saying to myself "That sounds easy!" and it was. And this is the result. It's not a grea song, but it was fun.

I Can See It | play MP3

I had a dream it was kind of scary I was eating broken glass
I was in a circle of some friends, they were obscured by paper masks
And it didn't occur to me 'til much later that I could pass and still remain,
But it was all part of the game
I had a lot of growing to do but the pressure didn't ease
It simply wore new labels like "sacrifice" and "dignity"
And far off on the horizon I could see someone who looked like me,
Or what I'm gonna be

I can see it, I can see it, I can see it
Can you see it, too?

It's sort of like torrential rain, obscuring windshield's view,
like seeing one side deliberately, when you know that there are two
And what's worse is desireing with all your heart
to see the other, and you always fail (and it sort of mocks you)
Taking it on faith is sort of like living beyond one's means
You're hunted by the present, and you're haunted by one's dreams
Right now we know in part, we talk about it in part,
But one day, one day, one day

I can see it, I can see it, I can see it
Can you see it, too?

Now when I grow tired and I try to turn my back
discouraged by my wrongs, hungry for what I lack
Somewhere a pool of patience feeds my spirit
And keeps me on track, somehow
Putting one foot in front of the other
Keeping sight on just today
I can count this one success in spite of failure anyway
Grant me the patience and the power
In Hell and hellish hours
Straighten the one who cowers and cannot pray

I can see it, I can see it, I can see it
Can you see it, too?

Harry Takes the Plunge | play MP3

Outside, the cement felt like water
Bouncing down the street, dressed up to the teeth
Dressed up, up to the neck, 'cause the breath
chugged out like steam or smoke from that ten-cent cigar
he liked to put to his teeth and grin at her

Inside, to the coatcheck, "How 'ya, honey?"
She knows she'll get no tip, but she also knows his name
And he's a cutie, in like clockwork
Playing out his role with a vengeance

Cocktails, in all kinds of colors
He nursed that gin and tonic like the world woudl end
He looked like he had money (he wished)
(But he only wished it for her. Honest.)

And there she was, as the curtain parted
She stood shimmering like silver moon on a cloudless night.
When she sang, he knew it was for hiim and him alone
And when she smiled, ahh, he smiled back
Shining, the show went on without a flaw
She ws goddess of the spotlight
He was going to ask her tonight
Screwed up his courage and when she came out for her bow
He was ready. He didn't even sweat.

Fanfare, she loved them, every one
The encore exploded, leaving glory in the rubble
"Miss Mary," he said, standing up, while the world went hush
"Miss Mary, will you marry me?"

And she said, "Harry. Harry, is that you?"

Figures in a Dream

Figures in
a Dream