Focus: God's Mysterious Will

*published in Presence: The Journal of Spiritual Directors International, January 1998*

Some time ago, I was working in a very unhealthy work environment. At first it seemed like an ideal job: good pay, great benefits, and work that I enjoyed. But after a couple of months I found that I was growing depressed, and that I was dreading going in to work. Over time I became aware that there were some extremely unhealthy dynamics in the office politics, and that communication with my supervisor was difficult at best.

Like many folks in our society, I blamed myself initially. "Other people seem to be doing fine; it must be my fault," I thought, and tried to figure out how my attitude or behavior might be contributing to the general office malaise. As you might expect, this led to little insight, and only served to complicate matters for me. I was beginning to feel a little desperate and longed for a "reality check."

Finally, after many months, I came home late in the midwinter dark, and instead of fixing supper or reading or doing any of my regular after-work activities, I went straight to bed and wept. I remember thinking, "This feels so bad, I could just die."

That's when it hit me that staying in this environment was not only unhealthy; but also on some level it made me feel like I was dying. When I thought about it a bit I realized my soul was dying. I was intentionally forcing myself to engage day after day in a soul-endangering activity by staying in that office. There on my bed, I offered my feelings and my situation to God.

Now, I don't know about you, but in my experience, after I have asked God for help, I usually don't have to wait long. This time was no different.

Coming home after an evening's activities, I punched the message button on my answering machine, and listened as my supervisor's monotone informed my machine that I was fired!
I watched the play of emotions rush through me. My first reaction was shock, even horror; I had never been fired before! My ego took a blow that nearly sent me reeling. Then I panicked momentarily, thinking about how I was going to pay the bills.

I really wasn't expecting the next reaction, however: laughter. Deep, from-the-bottom-of-the-well-of-my-soul laughter. Laughter at my worrying, laughter at my liberation, laughter at how silly I felt, putting all of this energy into trying to please people who didn't have the common decency to hand me my pink slip face-to-face. Laughter at my buoyed and sailing soul, laughter at my answered prayer.

I'm not sure what answer I expected from God, but that wasn't it. It was, however, the perfect response. The old cliche about God working in mysterious ways is no less true for being so tired. In one of my own soul's dark nights, God was preparing something unexpected, something grand: God the trickster spinning bright glory out of dark mystery before my very eyes.

I think that most of us wouldn't have it any other way. Many of us would agree with Harry Emerson Fosdick, "I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it." A world that is comprehensible is one with few surprises.

Being open to Mystery is one of the greatest joys and challenges for spiritual sojourners. Those of us who are pastors or spiritual directors come to rely on the unexpected; we kind of count on God "breaking in" in unforeseen, and unforeseeable ways. Trust that this will happen is something we need to foster and pursue.

The very fact that I am writing this FOCUS column is just such an example of God's mysterious will at work. When I saw a notice about an opening at Presence, something in me clicked, and I somehow knew that this was right. Of course that didn't stop me from second-guessing myself. I reminded myself of Samuel Clemens in that old biographical drama of Mark Twain's life where he fished the manuscript for "The Jumping Frog of Calavaras County" out of the trash and then threw it back again and again. Finally, I acted on faith, trusting my initial "click" and sent in my resume.

Several interviews and months later, I am pleased to see that my "click" was correct. In the short time I have been on board at SDI, I have met some absolutely marvelous people who have already ministered to my ability to trust in God's "mystery." The editorial board for Presence overwhelmed me with their warm welcome, and I look forward to working with many of those folks for years to come. I am also sad that a few of those people are leaving the board. Felicia McKnight, Richard Woods and Sharon Plankerhorn are leaving after many years of faithful ministry to the SDI community and the subscribers of Presence. I shall miss the opportunity to get to know them better.

A word of goodbye and gratitude also needs to be said for our outgoing editor, Susan Jorgensen. For the past three years Susan's vision and energy have produced a fine journal of which all SDI members are proud. The professionalism and high standards of Presence are testament to her skill and vision. Susan's exuberance, humor and good-heartedness have made this transition time easier than it might have been. We continue to honor her as our Founding Editor and guiding influence.
In this issue you will find much Mystery to revel in. Shaun McCarty, s.t. explores the role of Spiritual Directors as teachers and guardians of Mystery, inviting us to "name, claim and celebrate surprises by the Spirit." Similarly, Dianne R. Costanzo offers further insight into cooperating with the Spirit, drawing wisdom from her practice of Aikido.

William Creed explores an "alternative" supervision program, while Jan Webb processes her feelings with us on leaving her supervisory group.

We also have a special sneak-preview of our 1998 SDI Conference and Symposium: two interviews with our keynote speakers Flora Wuellner and Howard Rice. While Rev. Rice talks about generational issues, Rev. Wuellner's concern is for the care of spiritual leaders and how one's spiritual strength can be depleted by a person or an unhealthy environment.

Finally, Mari West Zimmerman presents an important article on how to help directees to forgive, discussing the stages of forgiveness, and even when it is or is not appropriate to do so.
I have found these articles to be helpful already, not only in my pastoral work, but in my own spiritual life. Even though my "workplace from hell" episode wasn't as deeply wounding as other experiences, I have already begun to frame my experiences differently, and hopefully, in a way that leaves me more open to God's unexpected ways of loving me. Greetings and enjoy! *
John R. Mabry
Managing Editor